1 Month: quiet wonderment

Austin is one month old today.

Everyone says that having a kid changes your life, you never know love like this, etc. etc. This is true, as far as I can tell four weeks into it. But it’s not quite as dramatic as I thought. I feel these things with absolute certainty, but it has been a quiet, gentle discovery of my feelings for my son.

I’m sometimes amazed at the grandparents’ reaction to Austin. They are in l-o-v-e; all four of them; without hesitation and with great aplomb. They are practically tackling strangers on the street to show them pictures of Austin, bragging about his unequivocal handsomeness (objectively speaking of course). 

This is true for extended family too. Hayden’s Grandma draws strength and joy from pictures of this little guy. My Aunt Beth and my brother are genuinely smitten and go extra lengths to let me know this. And let’s say nothing of the outpouring of affection, support and GIFTS from loved ones and friends of loved ones. Amazing.

My feelings for Austin are locked in with utter clarity, but how I feel about these feelings does seem in contrast to the gusto from the others. My theory on this is that our relatives have been parents for a while. They have come to terms with and embraced this wonderment of parenthood: this life is yours to celebrate, to worry for and to raise. For now, I am a student of these feelings, observing them as they arrive and reflecting on them as they settle in me.

Without speaking for him, I think Hayden feels similarly. He came home from work the other day in the foulest mood instigated by inane proposal writing and unrelentingly bad weather. Austin was having an awake and playful moment and I told him to stop everything and hold his child. Hayden said he would, but continued to stomp about the house, reading mail, sorting through various household items. Finally I just placed the baby in his arms. In seconds it all melted away. Within minutes he was brutalizing versions of “Take me out to the ball game” and “Doe a deer.” Without looking up, without thinking about anything but Austin, he practically purred, “hey Jess, I think ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ is his favorite.”

outake from 1 month photo shoot