The terrible 1s

It behooves me to highlight some non-perfect Austin moments too. In my quest to ever be self-aware, I don't want to look back on these blogs and only have the good moments on record, like everything was perfect.

Austin now has temper tantrums. And he has hit me, Hayden and the dog a bunch of times.

When I witnessed his first tantrum, probably around 13 months, I thought I was mistaken. I said no to something he was doing (likely splashing about in the dog bowl) and he put his head down on the floor. Now he does this and screams. He is not interested in heeding the word "no," if he has a better plan in mind.

Of course, I immediately googled this to figure out why it was happening so early. It turns out it is right on time. Kids Austin's age have temper tantrums. So already at his young age, I've got to outsmart these crazy movements: refusing to be put down, letting his entire body go limp, letting his entire body go rigid, screaming without consolation, etc.

He hit me for the first time last week and I tried to pretend he didn't do it. When it happened again, I looked him deep in the eyes and implored him to stop. "No, Austin." When he did it again, I half begged and half reasoned, "Austin, you are hurting mommy." Then I saw a look in his eyes I have seen many times in another kid we know around the same again. Complete, almost vacant disdain. I had not reached him.

So now I simultaneously google remedies and worry that spoiled brat behavior has become irreversible and entrenched. I am reminded of my previously sunny blogs about milestones and am reminded that this too is a milestone. Temper tantrums are about asserting independence and authority, as well as understanding attachment and affection. Hitting and tantrums are also about frustration in an inability to communicate. So, we understand and we correct and he learns. He is growing and this too is part of it.

The end of the boob era

Yesterday, when I picked Austin up he looked at a passing fire truck and said, "wow." This seemed like the most natural reaction in the world, and it was, except that he had never said the word "wow" before. He nailed it! Indeed, a fire truck with lights and sirens on deserves a "wow."

Milestones are passing like lightening these days and I haven't had time to reflect on a big one: the end of breastfeeding.

The first day and for a few days after I returned from Tunisia (see The Separation) I stayed away from Austin at bedtime and sunrise, because these are vulnerable nursing hours. Indeed, on that first morning he came into bed with us early in the morning and turned toward me on instinct. We shared a moment I will never forget. He looked at me and I looked at him. He leaned in a little. I leaned out a little. If there is such a thing as a baby wink, Austin gave it. His face told me what his subsequent behavior confirmed: he accepted this new, post-boob reality in stride (well, and with a little insurance of more pacifier time to be safe.)

I then went through two weeks of agonizing engorgement. But that too has passed and I'm left to think about this whole experience.

I do believe nursing is the incredible bonding experience that mothers say it is and I enjoyed it once we got the hang of it, which was not easy in the beginning. I do not feel sad. I do not miss it. Truth be told, I feel mostly relief that my worse fear of Austin asking to nurse using actual words will never happen. Although it happened "cold turkey," we were working up to it. I shad topped the god forsaken pumping nonsense back in February. I HATED pumping. It is demeaning, messy and time consuming. Shame on the industry for not finding a better way. I digress.

Austin wasn't receiving pumped milk during the day for some time. Prior to Tunisia, I was worried about evenings and mornings. But on the first day that I was gone, Austin did not seem interested in the bottle Hayden offered him. I knew he was ready.

It is sometimes still a little awkward between us, like when I pick him up at the end of the day. He used to rush to me and start nursing before I was barely in the door. He knows he should not do that now so he hesitates when I arrive. Sometimes he ignores me or walks in the opposite direction. Once I scoop him up, though, all is forgotten and we move on.

Last night, at the dinner table, I passed Austin his water bottle and he said, "thank you." I was floored. It was perfect. The milestones march on.

PS I spotted a top front tooth. I repeat I spotted a top front tooth coming in finally!