87 days

After an exhaustive 30 minutes or so working out in his activity gym, Austin is drifting to sleep. At just over three months we have some semblance of a rhythm to the day. He still eats every 2.5-3 hours, but we have figured out how to plan around it. I may run an errand, if Hayden is home. I may take longer if I have pumped a bottle. (On pumping and bottles, it’s not seamless, but we’re figuring out.) Once he eats, he needs a few minutes for burping and a milk coma. Then he comes to life and wants to stretch out and play and kick and, best of all, smile and laugh. After treating the dangling giraffe and elephant and bumblebee like Mohammed Ali’s punching bag, he starts to get a little grumpy. He wants to sleep. His nap length depends, on what I’m still not sure. Sometimes I can get him to sleep in his crib (the elusive crib.) Bed time is coming along. I can usually put him down when we are going to bed and he’ll sleep in his bassinet until his first feed. Last night I fed him at 9pm and he didn’t wake for another feed until 2am – wow! He’s in the bed the rest of the night.

I guess what I want to write about is the fact that every time we try something new, which is almost everything, I have this feeling of heading down the rabbit hole. Whether it’s the 8 hour car ride to Asheville (no problemo) or walking through a crowded bar with a baby on the way to the patio to eat out (college kids do yield to babies) I realize two things about this: 1. We survive, and 2. This is life (L’Chaim!)

Letting go is not easy for a control freak. But I think it’s best not to say I’m letting go (and not condemn myself to control freak status all of the time), but to reassure myself that this is how it goes. It’s ok to walk out of the room when he’s with his dad and a bit fussy. I don’t have to try and fix it. It’s ok to feed him earlier than usual if it keeps him happy when we’re out. It’s ok to take him to a very (very) loud baseball park. If he’s not crying, he’s ok…even if he was a little freaked out by 34,000 fans singing one of his favorite songs: Take me out to the ballgame.

Watching him grow has been amazing. He’s probably close to 15 lbs by now. He can hold his head pretty well. He mostly still hates tummy time, but he’s better at it. He is starting to grasp things. His Lamaze Bumblebee is the best early toy – he loves it, especially when it’s dangling from his gym. He smiles when prompted (during good mood bouts) and best of all, he laughs. This morning I was giving him kisses and he put his hand on my face while smiling. I think it was our first mutual cuddle.